If you have ever tried to enter a bar or get on the bus with me you are fully aware of the nightmare that is my bag..I'd like to call it a purse, but my purse is actually shoved at the bottom of this bag.I have recently become a lot more aware of what a hindrance my organizational albatross has become after losing my wallet for the 3rd time and yet again, full of cash. Ugh.
I am certain I lost it when I was fussing with my bag to get bus money.
It has always made me feel self conscious when I have to unload my bag looking for my transfer, buss pass, change ect..when I am in front of a full bus-- I feel like everyone is staring at me and I get flustered and embarrassed...As though instantly I am transformed in to one of those shady tweakers who spends the whole ride fishing though their pockets....I hate it.
Went through my bag yesterday and there is SO much I don't need in it -- but in the spirit of the urban nomad I proceed to carry everything I *might* need on my daily adventures. Energy bars, nuts, fruit, 743 colors of lipstick,phone charger , headphones , 7 packs of sugar, 9 Advil,mechanical pencil lead, 4 pens, a dirty fork, 3 shades of blush, 5 makeup brushes, 2 bottle caps...it goes on and on.
So, this week I am going to make my handbag my focus
So you're likely saying "Nico, dearest. Whatever does the interior of your bag have to do with being a lady?
to which I politely reply it is all about demeanor. When I get flustered, I lose my composure, get snappy and act frenzied. None of which is comfortable to me.I feel it draws attention to be in all the wrong ways...and no one likes the wrong kind of attention.
. I think of women I see in 1940's movies who would sit down at the vanity in a ladies lounge unsnap their pocketbook pull out the powder, lipstick and a comb and touch themselves up and be ready to go.
It is a far cry from me unloading my canvas bag on a bathroom counter and sifting through it, dirty fork and all- to find the right shade of lipgloss.
I 'd like to be a snap of the pocketbook kind of gal.
I know this may sound simple and stupid to some of you, but it is a huge deal to me, when I am always ambling, always feeling a mess- I am always apologizing and feeling "less than"
To me a lack of chaos imparts a feeling of sophistication.
Here is where I started......
Then, I emptied it....
Everything was sorted, Now I go on the quest of finding a just right purse that fits what I need and looks like what I think a "just right" purse looks like.
In keeping with the overall goal of this endeavor, I am pledging to not break my commitment to my promise/project.
Welcome to my new blog "Refined Like Sugar" wherein I one Miss Nico Bella- take on the intimidating task of teaching myself a thing or two about manners and what it means in 2011 to be a "lady".
I turned 36 in May of this year and all the sudden it hit me like a ton of lead. Here I was 4 years away from 40 and slumping more and more in to the life of someone I did not want to be- unkempt, unrefined and just feeling all around tacky.
Blame it on laziness, low blood sugar or just too much Portland but I feel like I am regressing in to a person who cannot navigate socially like I used to. I have lost my polish and devolved in to a dumpy, frumpy, punk rock slob.
So, it is time to change and because this is 2011 isn't it mandatory when embarking on some sort of major chrysalis to painstakingly document it and put it up for the world to read?
I have to admit that I was deeply inspired by a movie. It seems like every summer I pick a film that repeats on cable and I watch it over and over again. In 2009 it was Forgetting Sarah Marshall and last year it was Julie and Julia. I felt a real kinship with Julie ( despite me not finding her likable) as she floundered in feeling unfulfilled. In her blog project she not only found ritual but she found an enthusiasm for cooking that ignited her great passion, writing.
So I am hoping that by embarking on learning a thing or 365 that I can develop an enthusiasm for something that ignites my great passion for living.
Now, I am not out to crib Julie Powell's format. Let's just say I am inspired by her as she was inspired by Julia Child.
Julia also inspired me because at 37 she really began her life. It was at 37 she started attending the Cordon Bleu School of Cooking and changed her life--and in turn changed the world of food for good.
I have to admit, at 36 I have all but given up on myself. I feel old and as though I wasted so much time.
I have failed at a good many things in the last few years, made way too enemies, burned countless bridges and finally, it seems that my ability to dust myself off, re-work, revive and shine has exhausted it's motor.
I hit the ground this last time and I just stayed there.
I have very little passion for the things I used to love so dearly and I find myself too frightened to give myself over to anything new. I lack confidence where I used to be so very bold and worst of all, I feel without grace and sophistication.
So again, I change....recently I was unpacking some books that had been stored at my mothers for many years. In the boxes I found my collection of vintage etiquette and grooming books. Now some of them are laughable but across the boards they all agree if you do things a certain way, you will do better in this life.
I have been fascinated by etiquette my entire life. I dreamed of going to Charm School and lazily drifting around drawing rooms in Dior New Look dresses ( because apparently Charm School also allowed me to time travel) wear gloves and drink tea. Clearly someone forgot to inform me that we lived in a rental house and that the debutante ball did not visit Southeast Portland.
However,This love of all things dainty and ladylike was eclipsed by a rebellious streak that causes me to act like a wolverine when told what to do.
This was considered "willful" in my childhood,"rebellious" in my teen years, "wild" in my 20's and now that I am in my 30's? To quote my dear friend Nicolette ""yeah...not so much" It is simply, "Not Charming"
I , like a lot of women my age have pretty harsh opinions about what being " ladylike" means. I mean what does the word mean to you? Most women equate it with sissy, prissy, uppity, snooty snobbery... and I have to admit, even for all my love of white gloves and full skirts the idea of biting my tongue or being prim makes me shudder. Let's face it,it makes most women shudder. Just because I equate it with these things does not mean that it has to be true and the more I think about it- conducting myself with some grace, manners and decorum gives me the one thing I adore above all. The upper hand.
So, perhaps it is time to reconsider the word "Lady" and renegotiate what that means to me- now in my modern world and with my modern problems that my beloved Emily Post might not quite know how to handle.
Being a lady does not mean I have to be passive, meek or mild. In fact acting like a lady ( and believe me some days it will feel more like acting) allows for better boundaries, making yourself entirely clear at all times and living day to day with all around appropriateness that at least to me is comforting.
So here's to the first entry. Tomorrow we are going to tackle the handbag and not looking like a bag lady when you commute.
Oh, and for the record. Julia Sugarbaker is my power animal
